thursday 9

Free band-aids, rubbing alcohol, and BC powder, compliments of U.Va.'s cost-effective HMO. The university's financial officers will be presenting their new sick policy at 11 a.m. in Newcomb Theater, accompanied by an STD slide show.

Yeah, sure, I'll buy a single ticket to the Resto Ball. I love standing up against a wall like it's junior high all over again. Oooh, a member of the opposite sex standing next to the dip ... Shall We Dance?, Cinematheque, 7 p.m. and 9:30 p.m.

In town tonight: at Dürty Nelly's, Fulton Patrick; at Jewish Mother, Soul Kitchen; at Michael's Bistro, local jazz night; at Miller's, John D'earth; at Outback Lodge, Mississippi Tom and the Mudcats; at Tokyo Rose, the Mountain Goats, Alaistair Galbraith, and Atsushi Miura; at Trax, Pat McGee Band, the Blue Dogs, 19 Wheels, and Train.

friday 10

He ain't Elizabeth Berkeley givin' nekkid lap dances, but Sloth in that Superman muscle shirt -- oooh, baby! Goonies, Cinematheque, midnight.

Want to see who you're going to be spending the golden years of afterlife with? Do you like preachy, self-righteous, damning people? If so, go to the Intervarsity Christian Fellowship Meeting, Newcomb South Meeting Room, 7 p.m. Hell is starting to look like the better alternative.

In town tonight: at Dürty Nelly's, He Said Monday; at Jewish Mother, Jimmy O; at Miller's, Hogwaller Ramblers; at the Outback Lodge, Buddy Miles; at Trax, the Zoograss Festival.

graphic by Allison Devers

saturday 11

From the desk of the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences: Attention students! There will be a barbeque today for students and faculty of the College. Students are required to eat one stick of butter or margarine prior to arriving. The line will form at 11:30 a.m. in the dark, shady area between Bryan Hall and the amphitheater. Admission is free, but preference will be given to overweight individuals. Thank you.

That's right, folks, foreign peoples for less here at Tommy J's Magnificent Multicultural Outlet Mall! You name it, we got it -- all the major ethnicities at low, low prices! Take home this like new, 1976 Amerindian with zero down and 9.6% financing! Thousands of WASP models in stock from the Ultra-Frat to the Über-Goth, at prices you can afford! And today only it's India Day! From 11 a.m. to 8 p.m. in the Commonwealth Room and Cavalier Room of Newcomb, there will be a cultural extravaganza, with food, music, dancing, and the best deals in town. Come on in and see what a foreign culture is really like, and take a slice of one home for yourself! But hurry, these deals won't last long, or my name isn't Tommy J.

What do Shall We Dance, L.A. Confidential, and Goonies have in common besides the fact that they're all playing at Cinematheque today? Absolutely nothing (you morons)! 2 and 4:30 p.m., 7 and 9:30 p.m., and midnight, respectively.

In town tonight: at Dürty Nelly's, Soul Kitchen; at Jewish Mother, Janet Martin Band; at Miller's, Fulton Patrick and the Fulltones; at Outback Lodge, Steady Rollin' Bob Margolin; at Tokyo Rose, Oneida with Slap; at Trax, Earth to Andy and My Dog Lucy.

sunday 12

Be divinely amplified! Attend the Catholic Student Association's mass in the amphitheater, from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. It's Easter, after all, you pseudo-religious bastards. Do something about it.

In town tonight: at Jewish Mother, Rusty Spiedel; at Michael's Bistro, Larry Keel Experience.

monday 13

Oh my god! It can't be true! The music department will use its piano at the lunchbox recital in the Main Lounge! Be there at noon and get hardcore too.

Hey, boys, I have a friend who needs a date to the Founders Day Ball on the 28th. Southern twangs, Asian mafioso, and abnormal dicks need not apply. But, if you have money -- and I mean enough to finance summer session tuition -- then maybe we can make a deal. Founders Day lecture reception, Commonwealth Room, 7 p.m.

In town tonight: at Baja Bean, open mic night; at Jewish Mother, karaoke with Rick Haggard; at Michael's Bistro, the Ninth.

tuesday 14

Look, I don't care what you call it, I don't swing that way. Jail 'n' Bail, amphitheater, 9:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. Vigorous young pep banders eagerly await the chance to "jail" you so that you can be "bailed."

I would like to present these pieces to represent my semester of hard work and toil. Notice my evolution as I matured over the past few months. Ah, hell. Do you think I have these bags under my eyes because I stayed up late to watch Conan? Juried Art Show, Newcomb Hall Artspace, 9 a.m. to 11 p.m.

In town tonight: at Dürty Nelly's, Steve and Tim Ryalls; at Jewish Mother, DJ dance party; at Michael's Bistro, the Timothy Stinson Trio; at Miller's, Faster Than Walking; at Outback Lodge, the Ninth; at Trax, the Breakfast Club.

wednesday 15

Dheerananda,
Dheerananda,
Speaks to you,
Speaks to you:
Swami Hindu logic,
Swami Hindu logic.
6:15
6:15
Newcomb South Meeting Room, sponsored by the Hindu Student Council.

Pep band presents: the plywood jail! Your friends post bail for you, while you find out what happens when you drop the soap next to [basketball player arrested for shoplifting] and see what it's like to be [basketball player arrested for battery]'s jail cell bitch! All in good fun, and all proceeds support the American Cancer Society.

Poetry slams too harsh for ya, cupcake? Maybe something more legal is your cup of tea? Juried Art Show, Newcomb Hall Artspace, 9 a.m. to 11 p.m.

In town tonight: at the Jewish Mother, Sue Witty; at Miller's, Mike Rosensky and Jeff Decker Quartet; at the Outback Lodge, the Secret; at Tokyo Rose, Aerial M and Union of a Man and a Woman; at Trax, the Deftones.