Salvation Spiel JEWS LOSE WHEN CHRISTIANS SCHMOOZE by Ben Chadwick graphic by Michelle Fields "Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I did rent Fiddler on the Roof and I do plan to watch it!" -- Homer Simpson Well, Homer, I haven't been the best Jew either, even though I've seen Fiddler about 16 dozen times. I'm coming to terms with my religion on my own sweet time. I consistently and idiosyncratically argue that agnosticism makes more sense than any scientific or religious creation belief. I'm Reform Jewish, however, because I preserve a few traditions and try my best to practice the fundamental message of the Old Testament -- my rights end where other peoples' rights begin. I believe that if there was only one commandment, it would be the Golden Rule. Six of the Ten Commandments follow this governing principle of relations with other humans. The other four are concerned with our relationship with God. So there are, in effect, two fundamental lessons -- worship right (party on) and act nice (be excellent to each other). Well, I'll admit it; I haven't been the best worshipper. I don't follow the religious presumption that a philosophy requires traditions. I select my traditions fairly haphazardly -- I prefer the gluttony of mass latke inhalation to the austerity of fasting -- but if I take the Lord's name in vain once in a while, at least I've got six other Commandments to fall back on. Judaism isn't flawless. We, the chosen, have our weaker points, such as kosher laws. There is one place where Judaism really shines, though (aside from the sexual permissiveness): Judaism has the dignity to not proselytize. I think that's really in keeping with the idea of not infringing on others' rights. Allow me to illustrate what I'm trying to say. Scene: the Tree House, 8 p.m., Thursday, March 19. My friend Brian and I are innocently dining on greasy breadsticks when a couple of young men (who I'll call Felix and Nimrod) sharkily sneak up on both ends of our table. "Excuse me," Nimrod says, "we're trying to find people to come to a prayer revival for Christ, tomorrow night at 7:30. Would you like to come?" Great, I'm thinking, as I choke on my breadstick, just what U.Va. needs, another goddamn cult. The correct answer to an intrusion like this is, "I already found Jesus. Jesus saves, brother!"-- the anti-conversion equivalent of "I gave at the office." But instead I explain, "I'm really not interested. I'm Jewish." I realize my mistake immediately, and see then that there's no escape without being molested. They're thinking, it's time to upgrade this guy to Religion95. Felix, at the other end of the table, sweetly inquires with a Cheshire grin, "Oh really? Have you read the Bible?" "Actually, yes," I triumphantly retort, waiting for him to ask what my favorite section is, just so I can say "Exodus, when the Hebrews made a hasty retreat from their captors ..." But then he says, "Did you enjoy the Gospels?" -- catching me off-guard. "I thought you meant the Old Testament," I answer, somewhat sheepishly. "I haven't read the New ... " and again I realize I've played into their paws. The worst part is that Brian and I are both fairly polite, and rather than getting upset, we're getting nervous. "Are you Jewish by birth or by practice?" Nimrod inquires. "Both," I grunt, my face reddening as I try vainly to say something that would push these parasites away from our table. I eye my breadsticks, once so tasty, now so unappealing -- and the door to the room seems so far away. Brian, my fellow prisoner, also searches uneasily for possible exits from the premises. After this, our ecclesiastical assailants make two or three assertions along the lines of, "There were good reasons Jesus rejected Judaism ... " before Brian growls, "I think we should leave," and we dash past the zombie crusaders and escape from the Tree House. I'm not sure what offended me more: the unwanted and unwarranted intrusion upon my dinnertime peace, or the insult that I'd be swayed toward changing my beliefs by some hokey sing-along (on the Jewish Sabbath, no less). I felt insulted and violated, and the worst part is that it's not the first time. In my three years wandering the U.Va. desert, I've argued with crazy old men, with the hate-filled Brother Jim, and with random cultists, all trying to tell me that I'm wrong and Hellbound and that Jesus is waiting for my love, and so on. My depiction above may seem overly dramatic, but I assure you that that's what it's like to admit to being a Jew at this university. I think that the rationale for random proselytizing is that it's heavenly assistance. If I were to die tomorrow before professing a love for Jesus, I'd be Hellbound! I can save myself. And strangely enough, despite every warning that I've received, I simply cannot bring myself to care! I'm not closed-minded toward Christianity; when separated from the God/mystic mumbo-jumbo, I find Jesus' philosophy quite appealing. I guess the problem is that I'm not prepared to be another pimp in the vast ring of religious prostitution, which is how proselytizers present Christianity. Judaism takes a lot of knocks, and for the most part we live up to our stereotypes, but we don't care because we manage to preserve our dignity. If only the rest ...! To the proselytizers: it is so goddamned disrespectful to think that my faith is less valid than yours! Anyone who thinks that I, or any other ripe-for-the-convertin' Jew, might be swayed by some ecstatic song-and-dance or simple, clever, brainwashing soundbytes ought to be ashamed. This is a subversive form of patronizing insult, where seemingly friendly people systematically attempt to destroy everything we hold dear. Such verbal thuggery gives a bad name to an otherwise decent religion. A reminder: Judaism and Christianity are both backed by exactly the same evidence ... nothing! We Jews don't bother you when you're eating. We don't tell you you're doomed. We don't accost you on the street and hand you the Talmud. We don't stand in the amphitheater, chanting that it's our way or the highway (to Hell, that is). You're welcome to join us, and partake of the Covenant of Yahweh and the bitter herbs of Passover if you so choose, but we're not going to pressure you. I don't think we're really interested in having members who could change their entire universal outlook in the course of one evening of mindless chanting. We may disagree with everyone else, but we'll try to respect them. But it's hard to respect someone who doesn't respect back. I think I speak for all the Jews at U.Va. when I say, "My ass may be backwards, but I'm not going to covet anyone else's."

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