Under the Bar By War and Death, aka Nathan and Bryan

Sometimes you want to mix a drink for an enjoyable evening with a cigar around a table, to impress the new lady-friend, or to lubricate an evening of conversation with friends ... and sometimes you want to get ripped-up drunk. For that reason, we present "Under the Bar." Todays column will focus on three drinks guaranteed to make you ask "Why?!?" the next day: Your Mom on All Fours, Rumple in the Bronx, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

"Your Mom on All Fours" came about after a random and semi-productive mixer run to the local grocery store at about 1 AM, shortly after landing in Missoula, Montana in the Spring of '97. Ingredients: Ice, Orange-Rasberry Tropicana Twister, Ginger Ale, sours mix, and grain alcohol. The particular mix of ingredients was simply what we brought back from the store, and ended up being suprisingly tasty, and enjoyed by the several bands that we partied with. It's important that the grain not be tasted, and the sours mix used with care to avoid face-puckering tartness. However, one squeeze-bottle of this concoction will lead to a pleasant evening. Two squeeze bottles will have you crawling back to your room. Three will get everyone within two yards of you loaded. We do not advise a fourth.

"Rumple in the Bronx" was first devised on a bus trip, but much like a B-1 bomber, was not used in anger until a good time after its invention. The contents: Grain Alcohol and Rumplemintz, in equal proportions. The motto: "You know you're mixing drinks when 101 proof liquor is your mixer." This drink is not for the faint of heart, or stomach. The original deployment of "Rumple in the Bronx" became necessary during a visit to UVA by a member of the Chokie Marching Virgins. He threatened to mix a shot that we would not drink. The authors, never ones to back down from a sensible challenge, immediately undertook a run to 'Moco to procure peppermint candies, a supposed vital ingredient. After tasting the pleasant and somewhat boring shot, we presented said Hokie with a "Rumple in the Bronx", and promplty downed ours. The poor, trembling lad retreated into a corner for the evening, frightened by the fumes from the potent mixture. This encounter prompted the invention of the "nuclear weapons" of alcohol, the "Rumple in Harlem" (grain and Old English 800 Malt Liquor) and the "Rumple in South Central" (grain and 9mm bullet casing). Fortunately, no one has yet to ruffle us enough to warrant these weapons of mass destruction.

Some disagreement exists on the contents on a "Four Horsemen." Some claim that in contains Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, Ron Bacardi and Johnnie Walker, or other various named liquors. We contend that the first three compose a "Three Wisemen." A "Four Horsemen" should consist of the four liquors with the most spotted reputation: Tequila, 151, Jaegermiester, and, again, our good friend Rumplemintz. The Rumplemintz gives the shot a nice minty flavor and the Jaeger allows the mix to slide down like cough syrup. The 151 and Tequila do what those particular liquors should: leave you on the floor wondering if the hooker took your wallet.

That's all we have for today. Tune in next issue, when we will review Pestilence's infamous "Grainschlager" and everyone's favorite, "F*ck You Up, with Mint!"