The Worst Soccer Game Ever by Eric Giannini

It was a cold, blustery December afternoon at Klockner Stadium. More specifically, it was fucking freezing out. Our beloved Wahoo men's soccer team was playing Creighton in the NCAA quarterfinal match. Despite the weather, thousands of fans showed up, including a hardy bunch of Pep Banders.

Just 8 minutes in, Creighton tallied the first goal of the game. They then launched into a mostly defensive scheme, with the exception of their bald foward, Mr. Clean, who regularly scared the living piss out of us for the next 82 minutes. The Creightonites were without a doubt, the dirtiest soccer team I have ever seen, putting even Scottish hooligans to shame. They were able to get away with head-butts, body slams, and many other actions that would violate even the rules of tackle football. As usual, a simple tug on the jersey by one of the Cavs lead to a free kick.

In the middle of the first half, however, the Hoos got a gift when the referee got off the short bus long enough to call a foul inside the box against Creighton. Penalty kick for UVa!

And we choked. The shot went directly into the diving goalie's arms.

Creighton scored again before halftime, and most of us could no longer feel our toes. A halftime trip to the bathroom brought me across a heater, which managed to partly defrost my hands.

The second half would prove just as miserable. The Cavs got many a shot on goal, but in every case, Creighton managed to put a body in front of it. Creighton continued to run the field like a Mongol horde, protected by the referees imported from their hometown of Omaha, Nebraska. When it was all over, the final score was 3-0, and my butt cheeks were frozen together. I am still shivering for warmth as I write this 45 minutes after the game ended.

It was, without question, the worst soccer game ever.

Ever.